My thoughts while undergoing a severe depression during withdrawal of my ADHD medication (Methylphenidate, brand name Concerta).read more
Is this acute depression clarity or fog?
I'm not satisfied with how I've lived my life. I've done what I was told too much. I've lived by other people's standards. By other people's paths. By other people's dreams. Too much I've disregarded my own feelings. My own principles. I don't believe it's right to do a lot of the work I'm assigned, and yet I do it all. Why do I do it? Because I'm a coward. I'm too afraid of the consequences. I'm too afraid of ending up what I've been conditioned recognize and repulse: a failure. Not only am I a coward who can't live up to his own principles, but I can't even handle the submission without an stimulatory aid. I should be recognizing that as a failure. Am I destined to continue like this?
Pros: I'm capable and motivated to do the work I'm asked of me and consequently I don't receive the discomfort induced by not completing assigned work, I'm often motivated to continue pursuing my independent projects and I make great progress in them, I don't feel very bad about going to school and I can handle each class without very much discomfort or complaint, my attitude remains constant as I've been on the medicine for 4 years, I have more waking hours,
Cons: I can enjoy eating, I can sleep when my body feels the need to, I can experience greater compassion and sadness, I'm on an equal playing ground, I'm not using a drug whose long term effects are unknown, I'm able to satisfy all the more immediate pleasures, I don't have to disregard my qualms about the use of drugs, I'm not constantly nervous/compelled to do the work that's asked of me, I feel like I'm in more control, I can act frivolous, I don't have to deal with any withdrawals or side effects of going back on the drug, I'm more able to act in accordance with my own principles and opinions of work and school, I don't have to become exhausted with living,