Notes from Talking to Friends Trying to Be Ok with Open Relationship

After Tara told me she wanted an open relationship, I was working hard on trying to come up a way where I could be comfortable with that while going through my anxiety.

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- [ ] Couple’s therapy, recommended. 
- [ ] Nora suggested suggesting that she read or talk to people who have had anxiety, or partners who have had to manage them, so she may be able to learn how to deal with it better herself and for me. 
- [ ] I’m not going to rely on you for my mental health. When this happens again, I’ll not rely on you. 
- [ ] Should not do open relationship, should only be if we both want to and only when our relationship is in a very strong place. 
        - [ ] Basically everyone agrees with this, Alan, Nora, Paul, Jordan. Camilo isn't as sure, but said that he did it with someone who wasn't thrilled about it and it didn't go well. Nora said the same thing. Chiraayu also isn't as sure. 
- [ ] I feel like us going into an open relationship when I'm not eager to do it would result in the destruction of our relationship, and I don't want that to happen. So I think we need to wait until I feel like I want to do it too. 
    - [ ] What was the podcast that you had me listen to about a couple? This american life? Where do we begin? 
    - [ ] I think the best I can do is say that I'll read about it and in 3 months we'll re-evaluate things. 
    - [ ] Also we should implement all of those other things we discussed which she said doing an open relationship was just one aspect of. We should do the ones that I feel the most comfortable with first. 
        - [ ] Approaching sexual interactions differently together. 
        - [ ] Me exercising regularly. 
        - [ ] Buying me new clothes. 
        - [ ] Using the vibrator. 
    - [ ] Bonus if needed: I can also try to go out and meet new people to see if it's something I'd like to do. I think not having the exposure is a factor. Even like setting me up a bumble or something. I also think it would help if I went first. 
    - [ ] Bonus if needed: I’m ok with dancing. But we need to we’ll define what that means. Basically, strangers with no contact exchange. 
- [ ] Basically it seems like she should just be able to stick it out longer. Shouldn’t be pressuring me to get better by a certain time. 
    - [ ] This is potentially resolved after later conversation. 
- [ ] Need to focus on myself. Need to get myself better and sever myself from her as much as possible to do that. 
- [ ] Should work on different things so we don’t have to interact
    - [ ] Maybe she can work on the web project. 
- [ ] Should tell her my plan of getting better without relying on her, so she knows. 
    - [ ] Done.
- [ ] Alan says she wants to have her cake and eat it too, based on her saying the stopping time thing and doing this stuff so she wouldn’t hurt me/her saying that she would still think I am her long term partner but that she would also be able to do other things. 
    - [ ] As best I can, put decision making out of my mind. The onus is on her. Focus on myself first. 
    - [ ] He feels like she basically has felt like the thoughts of wanting to experience other people has been going on for a while, and it's just like heightened right now because of things not being good between us. Independently of me being sick on and off, she needs to figure out whether it's worth staying with me or she wants to break up to explore other people. 
    - [ ] Alan also said the grass is always greener, and there are plenty of people who do something where they open things up and then completely regret it. 
- [ ] If she brings up open relationship, should mention what Paul said that we should only consider it when relationship is strong, this is the worst time. 
    - [ ] Didn't need to be said. She basically said it herself that we need to have a conversation once I'm fully able to have one. 




Talked to Tara on Sunday: 
* She was very amenable to everything I said about minimizing interaction, and me getting better on my own. 
    * She said she would continue to not text me, which I think is good. 
* She said it was hard to leave things like they were left. She wanted to say goodbye on Friday but my parents said it would be better not to. 
* She said she still feels confused, basically, and feels like she's in limbo. Like she doesn't really know what she wants, it seems. I think she was hoping that talking to Hana would make her feel one way or the other. 
* She said she's making a big deal about this because she wants to make sure it doesn't get to the point where she would feel the compulsion to cheat or something, basically. 
* She said that we both need to figure some things out separately, but at the same time, she said that we will need to have a conversation about this once I'm better. She wants to make sure that when we have that conversation together, I'm able to fully handle it and it's not going to set me back like it happened on Thursday. 
* She said that she talked to Hana and that Hana was somewhat helpful but somewhat not, she said that Hana had cheated on Josh twice, but that she didn't really feel that way anymore (about being with other people), so it was good that that passed, but not as good because obviously she cheated and also Hana had liked dated and slept with other people before dating Josh, which isn't the same thing as our situation. 
* She overall didn't seem as adamant or pressure-y as she was on Thursday about having this conversation/figuring things out before some irreparable damage was done to our relationship. It seems like she recognizes that I need to get better before we can have this conversation, and that that may/will take some time. She even said "a month", at one point.