Since my anxiety wasn't subsidding and Tara was in the process of breaking up with me, my psychiatrist recommended upping my dosage from 20mg to 40mg (which would be the highest dosage I'd ever been on). I made sure to be vigiliant for side effects.read more
First day, after taking it a couple hours earlier. Definitely feel a bit more disassociated. Had a bit of a headache and some nausea, but not that bad.
Night of day one, definitely having trouble sleeping but feel euphoric. Don’t care about not being able to sleep. Reminds me of when I was improving in SF and worked late at night because I couldn’t sleep but I still felt great all day and night.
Night of day two, had a very good day went to see Camilo and his friends. Stayed up until 5am, only got 4 hours of sleep.
Day three, had a solid day, some intrusive thoughts but really not that bad. Never felt like I was starting to spiral or anything, even on long drives. Definitely was thinking about Tara and the situation in idle moments, but felt like it was a normal level of major problem that needed thinking about.
Had a panic attack on the day Tara broke up with me (Saturday). But cried with Granny that night and felt better.
Sunday, had an incredible day with Camilo and his family.
Monday, pretty average day. Got out of bed really late, but it wasn't a horrible day. Did notice a discount that I could get for a previously purchased item and decided not to ask for it because it was only $10, and that's not something I think I would have been able to decide before.
Tuesday, woke up at 9 from alarm and actually felt just fine. Didn’t feel sedated or anything. One of the best I’ve felt in the morning I think. Incredible night with Paul, Nora, etc. felt like I grew a lot. Had a very good therapy session too.
Wednesday, one of the best I've felt in the morning again. I seem to be able to stop the trailing intrusive thoughts much quicker in their path, which is really nice. Went for run at midnight. Talked to Chiraayu and lost some of the anger/conviction.
Thursday, had a lot of trouble getting out of bed. Felt nauseous and not so good. Been having muscle spasms, especially as trying to fall back asleep at 4pm I jolt with a spasm.
Friday. Woke up after being asleep for four hours, couldn’t go back to sleep. But didn’t feel panicked or bad and wasn’t super hard to get out of bed. I think even at my worst right now it’s not uncomfortable like it used to be. It feels like I can just let the thoughts run their course and it’s not painful.
Saturday: prior to this, I did have some instances of this as well. But when I’m well rested and I try to sleep more, as I’m slipping into slip my body shakes itself awake. Involuntary. Also woke up a couple times feeling like I was falling in my dream.
August 8th: noticed for the past 4-5 days that I can work again pretty well (especially back in NC). My sleep is really messed up, even falling asleep at a normal time like midnight I woke up 2 hours later and struggled to go back to sleep for hours (just felt like my mind was running), but like the core physiological feelings of anxiety are maybe completely gone now. Like, things that used to invoke a response, like a friend changing plans or me trying to plan which day I'd see someone (multiple days in advance) no longer cause a response. I can sit in bed all day and just read and feel relaxed, rather than feel like something is wrong that I need to fix before I can finally relax, which is what I'd felt for weeks I'd say during idle moments of trying to relax. My mind running its course on thoughts don't bother me.
9/1/21: I think last night I dreamt for the first time that I can remember.
9/2/21: I did the thing when I was halfway asleep and I kicked my foot into the wall pretty hard and it hurt. Interesting. Just like the time I punched in my sleep.
9/7/21: feeling the first feelings of maybe anxiety in a while, some nausea and that feeling in my throat. I’m not sure what triggered it, most things going well, but I did almost cry last night when I realized the hurtfullness of something Tara said while talking to Eunice, and I also was feeling a bit sad yesterday because Taryn said she would normally have gotten boba but she had just met someone and wanted to see how that went. I also talked to Eunice about how I think I just wanted to have sex, and so I was longing for that at this point.