Lalalala I should be working
Apr 15, 2012, 8:00 PM
But instead I'm going to just write a long email to you because I think you might be sleeping right now.
Omg honey, I completely adore you. Last night was really really fun. And even though I still have to write like 15 pages of work for my senior capstone project and my eyes sort of feel like they're going to fall out, it's okay!
But yeah, like I just keep thinking about lying on the patio, curled into your body looking at the stars and how safe and comfortable and so happy I felt to be with you. It's just crazy how happy I am when I'm with you, Joe, I don't understand it at all, but you just are always amazing me with your questions or things that you have discovered or quick jokes....and then you're so affectionate. I know I'm really not as good at it as you are, and maybe I don't always say it, but I really really love it and appreciate it that you stroke my hair or my neck or caress my hand whenever we're together, it totally soothes me...and I touched on how I appreciate your crazy, obsessive love for me last night so yeah, I think you get the gist.
I know that there's always a possibility that we could break up, especially since you know, we won't be living in the same state these next coming years (omg it hurts me so much to type that) but at this point I feel like I just couldn't ever permanently let you go because I just would know that you were the best for me....I feel sick when I think about the possibility that we wouldn't stay together, but I think I trust myself and I trust you enough to believe that we will make it work. It's just like...you're so so so important to me...we don't get into fights, but if we did I would be a complete mess. I know Ryan tells you that you rely on me a lot, and I know that you think that maybe you rely on me a little more than I do on you, but honey, if you were ever mad at me, I would go completely insane. Having you as support used to be a comfort, but now it's sort of become a necessity and I don't know how I'd get through all the stress of high school without you. And I really like that you're an intelligent "slacker"... it helps me keep things in perspective (though I know I still struggle a lot with that).
There were just a few moments today, though, when I felt completely secure with our future, I just felt like we were in that future already...when I was lying down on you for the last thirty minutes before we had to leave, and my head was on your chest and you were just touching my hair lightly. It's like, with my eyes closed, I felt like I was with you in our apartment on our couch on a Thursday evening oss, and it just was so concrete and perfect in that second, I was sure sure sure that we would be together.
I'm just so happy. And I've teared up a couple times writing this (dry, tired eyes can't be helping) but you're just so great, and I know I say that all the time but really, YOU'RE THE FUCKING BOMB. Speaking of Juno, the last song they sing, the chorus like is "I can't see what anyone sees in anyone else, but you" Whenever I have heard that since we've started dating I've thought like hell yeah, that's how I feel. You're just perfect for me... and I love you so much.....
Love love love,
Apr 15, 2012, 9:07 PM
Tara, honey, I love you, but there always seems to be a line or two in
your long, sweet emails to me that make me want to kill myself:
"I know that there's always a possibility that we could break up,
especially since you know, we won't be living in the same state these
next coming years"
I was smiling until I read that part and now my stomach hurts waaa
And this made my gut feel like you had an incling of doubt which made
its ailment worse: "I think I trust myself and I trust you enough to believe that we will
make it work."
Apr 15, 2012, 9:24 PM
I'm so sorry honey, I didn't mean to make you feel bad! It's just that so few couples make LD work, but we're not like most couples it seems, so I shouldn't compare that much, I just have this little worry that it won't work because it so often doesn't and it just scares meee a lot because I really want it to work (like seriously, I want that more than anything else in life)....and the second part was just an extension of this, basically reminding myself that we're not necessarily like a lot of high school relationships that don't work and I should trust thattttt (and trust that you/and I will be able to do the 2 week thing)
Apr 15, 2012, 9:34 PM
That was the worst consolement email ever.
Apr 15, 2012, 9:35 PM
Apr 15, 2012, 9:35 PM
Sorry, I just didn't know you actually had this worry. I felt pretty good about it until I read your concerns.
Apr 15, 2012, 9:38 PM
I think we should go into this as positively as possible, honey. I haven't even really been thinking about you leaving because it could taint what we have now.
Apr 15, 2012, 9:44 PM
I really think we have consummate love, sweetheart.
Apr 15, 2012, 9:50 PM
Tara, I'm really really sorry; I shouldn't have said it how I did. I really hope you're okay.
Apr 15, 2013, 3:24 AM
Read this in your spare time.
I just read the entire thread and I thought about how I felt when I read those parts of your email. Tara, I can still remember how painful it was to read those lines. A year to the date later, I can still remember. If only we could give ourselves a peek at how we'd be now, how we fell asleep tonight saying: "we know we can do this. We know we'll live together. We know we'll get married." It would have made all of that time so much more purely pleasant. But perhaps the uncertainty drove a certain aspect of our passion, or maybe it even inhibited part of the passion. I'm not sure, but knowing that we'll still be together, and focusing on that fact now, makes me the happiest I've ever been in my life. Everything else melts away in the face of being with you in the future.
I love you, Tara. And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.