Funny Things from Alison

January 4, 2012

Some discussions with Alison that I compiled to share with Tara.

7/03/11
My pride is killing me just to write this......
For some reason emailing you before you email me seems like giving in, but since I know you won't contact me first, I'm just going to go ahead and open the lines of communication.

I hate caving, but I want to talk to you. Even though you can make me feel like shit, you're the only one that can make me feel better. Since I won't be sleeping at all tonight I would sincerely appreciate it if you would talk to me until you decide you need sleep.

I had a dream last night in which I contracted some very rare and deadly disease with no known cure. I was incapacitated. You, being on vacation somewhere (probably New York), texted me continuously but received no reply. You texted Brian to see if I was angry at you or if something was going on in our family. Brian did not respond either. Finally, you got your mother to call my mother. My mom told your mom about my illness, and your mom told you. You got really upset and demanded that you fly back to North Carolina at once so that you could be with my in what were likely going to be my last moments. When you arrived at my hospital bed, you were crying. This is going to sound awful, but I felt absolutely thrilled that you were crying because it meant that you really did care about me. My death was a tragedy to you. You stayed with me until I ultimately died.

I don't know why I decided to share that dream with you, but I felt like I should.

Last night, I felt sick and lonely and I missed you a lot. I wanted to just talk to you for a minute just so that I would feel a little better and be able to sleep. You chose, however, not to call me because Paul was in a bad mood. That hurt. It felt like I didn't mean enough to you.

Then I told you how I felt, and you could have called me then. But you still chose not to. This further cemented the idea that you didn't care for me.

I felt the symptoms of my SAD and I started thinking about self-mutilation for the first time in my life. And for the second time, you weren't there for me.

I felt like you just didn't want to talk to me so I said that perhaps we shouldn't talk until Wednesday. Usually, when I say stuff like this, you fight me on it. You refuse to let me just not talk to you no matter how upset I am. But this time you just said "All right," and the conversation ended. I, again, felt like I meant nothing to you.

Then, today, I waited and waited to hear from you, just to prove that I was being irrational and that you do care about me. But you didn't text me. I felt worse than I have in a long time.

When you finally texted me today, and I told you I was still upset, you didn't even ask me to explain why. I felt like you just didn't care what was bothering me.

You ask me to trust you when you say you care about me, but it's hard when things like this happen. I find it hard to believe you.

Please don't let Paul or Chad read this, if they're still there, and don't respond. We can have a conversation when I get back on Wednesday.

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6/14/11
me: Do you want to talk?
9:10 PM
Alison: ....about what?
me: Whatever was bothering you; you were tearing when I left the car.
Alison: Nothing was bothering me. I wasn't tearing.
me: It certainly seemed so, but all right.
9:11 PM
Alison: Whatever.
9:12 PM
I guess I just constantly feel like you don't care about me the way I care about you. And, I'm not blaming you. I completely understand that you can't control the way you feel. It just hurts.
9:13 PM
me: What makes you think that?
Alison: It's a lot of stuff. It's not substantial stuff. It's just the little things...like the way you say some things, and the choices you make.
9:14 PM
me: Any recent examples?
Alison: I'm not going to see you again until Saturday. And you still chose to go home relatively early.
9:15 PM
me: I thought we were going to hang out tomorrow when I made that decision.
Additionally, you had a headache and were generally not feeling well.
9:16 PM
Alison: You are going to hang out with Kai tomorrow. And you should have known I wouldn't want to go with you. That does not sound like me at all. And I felt fine after I woke up and ate.
me: I thought you asked to go.
Alison: No, I didn't.
9:17 PM
me: Perhaps it was sarcasm.
It's not until the evening anyway, we could still hang out tomorrow.
Alison: I have to pack and get all my stuff ready for Orientation.
9:18 PM
me: That's going to take more than two hours?
Alison: It's going to take a while. I have a lot of stuff to do.
me: Look, I can't be with you all the time.
Alison: I completely understand that.
I'm not asking you to.
9:19 PM
I just didn't want you to leave so early today.
me: I wasn't feeling exceptional when I decided to go home.
Alison: Why not?
me: I realized that I've been neglecting a lot of my responsibilities since I've met you.
Alison: ………………………..Wow...thanks.
9:20 PM
me: Why did you respond that way?
Alison: ...That's just not a very nice thing to insinuate.
me: What are you talking about?
Alison: Nevermind.
I don't want to fight.
9:21 PM
me: I'm saying that I haven't been focusing on learning independently and completing my projects.
Those are the responsibilities I've been neglecting.
Alison: Okay.
But the way you said that wasn't going to make me feel very good.
9:22 PM
me: I don't see how you could have taken that as an insult without trying to find it as one.
Alison: You're being mean.
9:23 PM
me: I'm sorry.
Alison: I don't like talking to you when you're like this. Can we talk later?
me: I'm being honest, Alison.
Alison: That doesn't mean it isnt harsh.
9:24 PM
me: Would you rather me not be truthful?
Alison: Joe, you are making me feel really bad right now. Can we continue this when you aren'e like this?
9:25 PM
me: Continue what? You started to get disconnected when you dropped me off with a half-hearted "goodbye" and neglected to tell me why/that you were upset.
How do you think that made me feel?
Alison: Stop.
Just stop.
me: Stop what?
Alison: I can't talk to you right now.
9:26 PM
You are making me feel so shitty.
me: I'm not trying to.
Alison: Can we please talk later.
me: At all.
Alison: Okay. But you are.
9:27 PM
me: I think that you care about me so much that you're finding very slight things I do or say very offensive and intentionally harsh.
Alison: ........You aren't making me feel any better. In fact, it's just getting worse.
Can we talk later?
9:28 PM
me: Fine, I just thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you how I feel.
It doesn't seem like I can ever do that.
Alison: Joe. You can be truthful without being harsh. You don't think about HOW you say stuff.
You, quite honestly, are being a dick.
9:29 PM
me: How would you rather me say it?
Honestly?
When it comes to stuff like this, it's very volatile.
Alison: Nicer. Don't just not try to hurt my feelings, try to not hurt my feelings.
me: I'm not trying to.
I'm trying not to.
Alison: Exactly.
9:30 PM
No you aren't,
me: Perhaps I'm just not careful enough for you.
Alison: What's that supposed to mean?
9:31 PM
me: It means that it's hard to tell you this stuff without you getting upset. It's hard to tell any one this stuff without them getting upset. Like I said, it's volatile.