Notes prior to going into my therapy appointment.

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How I’ve been feeling recently:
Almost euphoric but for no reason. I feel like months ago I had to have some reason to be happy, like something to look forward to or something good to have just happened. Now I just feel happy all the time or a lot of the time. Like I feel like nothing could get me down, but I kind of stress that something would. It’s strange to feel happy without having a reason, I imagine it’s how “happy” people feel, like people who are generally more upbeat than others. It makes me wonder if it’s the Prozac or if it’s my life changes. I do worry a bit that something will happen, like the only reason I’m happy is because I’m excited about my computer coming but once it’s here I won’t feel this way anymore. 

Mornings: some nausea, sometimes getting kind of intense. Seems to go away after eating usually. Also been waking up multiple times in the night, I’m able to go back to sleep but I feel fully awake when I wake up. It’s unusual for me, usually I sleep through the night. Doesn’t stress me out but it would be nice if it stopped. Makes me wonder if it’s the Prozac or if it’s just me stopping the Remron. I think I could keep going with these disturbances for many weeks as long as they didn’t get worse. Although some days I do feel pretty tired. 



Dreams:

Cutting Cosmos hair with scissors, telling Kiran and Tara to be careful. They each have scissors. They cut just underneath his neck at first which seems a bit too carefree but nothing bad happens. 

I see it about to happen, and then Tara cuts his ear. It’s a really bad cut, like it cut through his ear. I start to panick and then I wake up from dream.  


Another one:

First was in the store, buying Xbox controller, and was chatting with someone in a friendly manner because I thought they worked there but they actually worked for CVS which is why. They had a name tag. Decided to buy multiple controllers and just return the one I didn’t like. I was trying really hard to figure out which one would look best with the three white ones I already had, like would it be another white one or would a black one look best because it would be a leader of a pack (the asymmetry is good). Just couldn’t decide so buying both seemed like the best option for testing them out. Then I brought the controllers home, and while I was talking to my mom...(she was saying something about stuffing some shirt or something that I needed in a pouch of the Xbox controller which I kept telling her didn’t exist). 

I Got into a huge fight with my parents when I went back home. Told them that the only reason I came home was because of Quinn’s wedding and if it were up to me I wouldn’t have come home until December. They were really hurt. I told Tara I might have to stay with her family. I felt like they just weren’t on the same plane as Tara and me and Tara’s parents. They thought drugs were the answer. My mom at the time was pushing me taking my night meds because it was getting late and I kept telling her I don’t take night meds anymore, that’s how the yelling started. 

Then I went to take Cosmo out and a baby deer ran into the house to escape some dogs. Then I followed the dogs up the driveway kind of yelling at them and came across some neighborhood kids who I started talking to, I thought they were trash or assumed they were but one of them started talking and sounded really feminist and woke but also apocylyptic thinking. Then I started talking about him, saying “you were describe yourself as a feminist, right?” And he said “yeah I guess so” but he seemed uncomfortable like his friends wouldn’t like him saying that and a crowd started to gather as I was talking about him to him and the other people, and describing how I saw him, basically just saying I thought he was feminist and he saw the world in an apocalyptic way and I wanted to say one more insightful thing but I eventually kind of froze my thoughts and started stuttering and that’s about when I woke  up. I was getting inside my own head when I froze, I was thinking “I need to come up with one more thing to say, I can’t just stop talking here, it’d be bad if I stopped talking” and so I started thinking more about myself not talking than what I was going to say next, so I just this wasn’t able to talk because I was thinking about how I wasn’t talking and how long from their perspective I hadn’t been talking which just makes the gap/silence worse. 

Got into an argument with Tara because apparently I was leaking water while I was eating and it was getting on the floor next to the couch. I just wanted to cover it up with the rug but she wanted me to clean it and get it to stop happening. 

I think at one point in the dream I was telling you, Badler, about a dream, because I was aware that what I was saying was logistically impossible, like I was saying I was in Texas but I should have taken the BART to get between two places or something. And I said “okay I know that doesn’t make any sense” and you said “yes, it’s fine, I understand how dreams work”