A series of calls ending in October of my notes for my psychiatrist.

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October update:

  • I think I determined that Tara was the cause of my anxiety after writing a list. Some have said it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
    • She would complain about my body. She said said she wasn't attracted to my body and I needed to get more muscle. She made me pay her 3 cents to use her sponge.
    • She told me she was stressed and didn't like that I was growing more chest hair because she doesn't like chest hair. I think she even wanted me to say I'd shave it.
    • She said she wanted me to wear a wig because it seemed like I was going to go bald early. She made me stressed about losing my hair.
    • She tried to control what I ate.
    • She said things like "you just talk a lot or say things I'm not interested in"
    • Twice she said "seeing you this happy makes me feel depressed"
  • So I think with her out of my life going down to 20mg makes sense.
    • Could maintain this for a while just to be safe.
  • Didn't have history of anxiety before dating her. Feel more confident than I have in 10 years, most likely.
  • I'll try to find a new psychiatrist through my new insurance.

Unknown update:

  • Hands are a bit shaky
  • Sleep used to be pretty bad, 3 hours a night, but it's been improving.
  • Dissasociative effect is getter better too.
  • Sometimes feel like way too confident. Like I have 0 anxiety even when I should. I don't mind it though.
  • Feel like I can handle anything.

Life updates:

  • Fired girlfriend
  • Started meeting a lot of women by just talking to them in the park/airport/bars, so far have like 5 people who I'll be seeing next week.
  • Feel like life is going really well. Spending a ton of times with friends, they're all happy to see me recover.
  • I feel completely over Tara by this point.
  • I've been making huge Google docs detailing everything I've been doing because it's exhausting to share it with so many people end retell the stories over and over (like 10+ times).
  • Been making a ton of realizations about anxiety:
    • How it's the absence of confidence. And Tara had progressively destroyed my confidence over the years.
  • I've been flying back and forth between a
  • Going to head back to NY and bring

Late September:

  • Started dreaming again.
  • Sleep has been acceptable.
    • Been napping in the afternoons a lot.
  • Been meeting so many people.
    • I write down everyone I meet.
    • Met about 100 people in the last month.
    • Hang out in Washington Square Park for 3 hours a day.
    • I have a love interest now, we've been physical together.
    • Been feeling so fulfilled recently.
    • Been dealing with really stressful stuff with separating Tara from the company:
      • But in general it's gone well.
      • Feel like I can handle it.
      • She want to stay at the company for 7
  • I think biggest thing is motivation:
    • It's hard to get me to do work I don't want to do now.
    • I think that's because I was using anxiety as a motivator, and with that gone, it's hard to motivate myself.
  • May be better with sexual side effects?
    • I do seem to have more sensation in general, for being touched and stuff.
    • In generally, I feel more passionate and stuff.
    • I think sexually I'd rather just keep things as is.
  • Biggest thing I'm afraid of:
    • Dying. I feel like I have some things I need to get out into the world before I do.
    • That I'm doing so well that this can't be real.
    • Someone will come into my apartment and just shoot me in the heart.
    • In general this wasn't that big of a deal, but earlier today:
      • My friend said that a cop came up to him and flashed a badge and told him to move.
      • The cop had been hanging outside of my apartment.
      • I had also met a guy 3 weeks ago who said he was a movie producer, I couldn't find anything about him online
      • I just am concerned I'm at the point or nearing the point where I'm paranoid schizophrenic.
  • Take a look at the writings I've done: