A series of calls ending in October of my notes for my psychiatrist.
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October update:
* I think I determined that Tara was the cause of my anxiety after writing a list. Some have said it was an emotionally abusive relationship.
* She would complain about my body. She said said she wasn't attracted to my body and I needed to get more muscle. She made me pay her 3 cents to use her sponge.
* She told me she was stressed and didn't like that I was growing more chest hair because she doesn't like chest hair. I think she even wanted me to say I'd shave it.
* She said she wanted me to wear a wig because it seemed like I was going to go bald early. She made me stressed about losing my hair.
* She tried to control what I ate.
* She said things like "you just talk a lot or say things I'm not interested in"
* Twice she said "seeing you this happy makes me feel depressed"
* So I think with her out of my life going down to 20mg makes sense.
* Could maintain this for a while just to be safe.
* Didn't have history of anxiety before dating her. Feel more confident than I have in 10 years, most likely.
* I'll try to find a new psychiatrist through my new insurance.
Unknown update:
* Hands are a bit shaky
* Sleep used to be pretty bad, 3 hours a night, but it's been improving.
* Dissasociative effect is getter better too.
* Sometimes feel like way too confident. Like I have 0 anxiety even when I should. I don't mind it though.
* Feel like I can handle anything.
Life updates:
* Fired girlfriend
* Started meeting a lot of women by just talking to them in the park/airport/bars, so far have like 5 people who I'll be seeing next week.
* Feel like life is going really well. Spending a ton of times with friends, they're all happy to see me recover.
* I feel completely over Tara by this point.
* I've been making huge Google docs detailing everything I've been doing because it's exhausting to share it with so many people end retell the stories over and over (like 10+ times).
* Been making a ton of realizations about anxiety:
* How it's the absence of confidence. And Tara had progressively destroyed my confidence over the years.
* I've been flying back and forth between a
* Going to head back to NY and bring
Late September:
* Started dreaming again.
* Sleep has been acceptable.
* Been napping in the afternoons a lot.
* Been meeting so many people.
* I write down everyone I meet.
* Met about 100 people in the last month.
* Hang out in Washington Square Park for 3 hours a day.
* I have a love interest now, we've been physical together.
* Been feeling so fulfilled recently.
* Been dealing with really stressful stuff with separating Tara from the company:
* But in general it's gone well.
* Feel like I can handle it.
* She want to stay at the company for 7
* I think biggest thing is motivation:
* It's hard to get me to do work I don't want to do now.
* I think that's because I was using anxiety as a motivator, and with that gone, it's hard to motivate myself.
* May be better with sexual side effects?
* I do seem to have more sensation in general, for being touched and stuff.
* In generally, I feel more passionate and stuff.
* I think sexually I'd rather just keep things as is.
* Biggest thing I'm afraid of:
* Dying. I feel like I have some things I need to get out into the world before I do.
* That I'm doing so well that this can't be real.
* Someone will come into my apartment and just shoot me in the heart.
* In general this wasn't that big of a deal, but earlier today:
* My friend said that a cop came up to him and flashed a badge and told him to move.
* The cop had been hanging outside of my apartment.
* I had also met a guy 3 weeks ago who said he was a movie producer, I couldn't find anything about him online
* I just am concerned I'm at the point or nearing the point where I'm paranoid schizophrenic.
* Take a look at the writings I've done:
* https://github.com/monstermac77/anxiety
* https://github.com/monstermac77/relationships