A note a wrote to a lover.read more
I think of you. I think of times we've had and times I want to have. I think of seeing you for the first time in the airport and running toward you with tears in my eyes just begging my legs to carry me toward you faster. I think of dancing with you; putting my hands on your waist and yours on my shoulders, and our eyes locked. I think of how I love to talk to you. Of how I've spent more hours on the phone with you than I have aggregating with everyone else over my life. I think about you lying in bed, trying to read my emails with sleepy eyes. I think of the happy times, and I can only think of the happy times because no moment with you can truly be sad. I think of holding your face in my palm while we tear together, both overcome by affection. I think of running around college campuses with you. I think of walking with you, holding your hand in mine, and studying your fingers. I think of the bond we share; the importance to me of you being happy. I think of raising a child with you. I think of your conjecture that we'll get into arguments about what's best for her/him. I think of reading to her/him while they fall asleep, and you standing in the doorway behind me, watching me read, thinking about how happy we are together. A tear just rolled down my cheek after writing that. I think of marrying you, and our honeymoon being no more special, no more fun than our marriage because we hit the limit. I think of falling asleep next to you, of taking your hand while you sleep and kissing it gently. I think of waking up at night with you asleep beside me, and me looking over you and whispering to you that I love you. I think of falling asleep with my arm around you, tucked beneath your hands. I think of you falling asleep before me while I'm on my computer, when I look over at you, you have your back toward me because the screen is bright, I notice and lower the brightness. You stay turned away and for a few minutes I alternate between looking at the screen, and looking at you, but my thoughts stay fixed on you. Your back is beautiful to me. You're about to fall asleep now. I gently close my computer and silently put it on the floor, I lean over very slowly as to not startle you. Your mind is elsewhere until you feel me run my hand down your arm. You exhale deeply and your body relaxes. You turn to face me with your eyes still closed and I kiss you on the forehead. We fall asleep together.
I think of taking note of anything you mention to me that you may want, like an Australian Shepard. I do so because you don't ask for much at all, and so I try to deliver all that I can. I think of pulling your body against mine in a Joe-hug, and holding you for minutes, knowing I could do it for hours. I think of kissing you on the cheek when you don't expect it, and you respond with a pleasant smile. I think of taking you to the doctor, oh god you hate the doctor and I hate taking you because you don't shut the fuck up about how the medical community is just exploiting ignorant people and convincing them they need shots that they don't need and that you know what's really going on and I should take you back home. I think of us both calling the same place "home" for the first time. I think of how all of my stress, all of worry, just melts away with you. I think about how lucky I am to have you, and how I should think about it whenever I feel bad. I think about being at a dinner party with you, and giving each other disapproving looks when one of the party go-ers says something incredibly stupid or blatantly arrogant. I think about being able to come back to the same bed with you after a night out. I think about surprising you with a movie when you're stressed with work. I think about the little rituals we'll form after being together. I'll think about us marveling about how it's so amazing how much in love we are even after "9 years" rather than "9 months". I think about meeting for a restaurant date and you profusely apologizing for being late and me looking at you and reminding you that, in all of our years together, I've never gotten mad at you for being late...and telling you that I arrived only a minute before you (hehe). I think of seeing your smile, and it's incredible power to lighten my day. I think of me getting frustrated with impasse in a program I'm writing, and you walking over to sit next to me and tell me